For Fuck's Sake
by Shadows42
Summary: Welcome to the world of SnK humour. Filled with crack and characters that seem like they're on crack, nobody is sane. [One-shot collection.]


**Terribly quick warning for some blood and gore, and an abundance of swearing. This is OOC, since it is crack.**

**Beyond that, have fun.**

* * *

><p>They discover Eren's strange tendency towards slicing, dicing, and sawing things when he hums happily as he helps out in the kitchens.<p>

Who hums as they chop up bloody strips of meat, fat from protein, muscle from bone? Who sings under their breath as they splatter more rare meat onto the boards?

Eren, that's who.

Each of them drop by the kitchens, that day preparing for one of the unusual "almost feast like but not really since they never have the truly good food" dinners, and they all spot the titan shifter joyfully hacking away at a few innocent animals.

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><p>Jean is the first one in, helping with the dinnerware set ups, and he pauses, horrified.<p>

"O-oi shitface-"

Then pauses, because, you know, generally you don't insult people who look like they've discovered their soul-mate as they saw through bone and joints.

"What are you doing?"

Eren pauses, lifting a hand to wipe his forehead.

It's hard work, cutting through the thicker bones.

"Preparing the meat, what else, horseface?"

Jean nods jerkily. "Right, what else."

He gathers a few bowls, then spends a while hunting for spoons that aren't near the blood-splattered area Eren's working in.

Once again, he stops just as he exits the kitchen area.

"What meat is that?"

Eren looks up, a streak of vivid crimson decorating his face. He looks down again. He shrugs. "Probably horse."

Jean _does not _squeak, and promptly breaks the Survey Corp record for dinnerware set-up speed.

* * *

><p>Next is Connie, the poor guy.<p>

He pops his head through the doorway, trying to keep an eye on the fellow soldiers helping with the ingredients. "Hey Eren, I've been shifted over to help with the vegetables, you know where the knives-"

He chokes.

Eren sways from side to side as he skins a rabbit, carelessly flinging the skin to the side, then getting to the real work.

Cut the belly, get out the innards, squishy, squishy, take out the bones, and off with the head!

The song echoes through the kitchen.

There's a single helper in the back corner, huddled in a ball, rocking back and forth as she screams, no voice resounding.

Connie wonders if there's another reason the titan shifter of them all is Eren.

But he still needs the knives.

He'll go with the safer option.

He turns to the girl in the corner.

"H-hey, er, you know where the knives are?"

She doesn't respond.

"Hey, you okay?"

From her feet to her hips, back and forth, back and forth.

Connie takes a step forward-

Eren appears right in front of him, knife held up, grinning as blood soaks into his clothes, drips off his arms, as what looks suspiciously like a liver slides it way down his hand to splat onto the floor messily.

-and falls back screaming.

"Connie! You alright?" Eren starts forward, still gripping the dripping knife.

The boy shakes his head wildly, scooting backwards and flinching at the feeling of wetness underneath him. He chances a peek down-and yeah, it's red.

"Connie? Connie?!"

"I'm fine!" He yells as he jumps, backing up to the door with impressive speed.

Eren tilts his head, confused. "...Okay. You needed knives, right? I've dulled most of them, but here, this one is still sharp."

He looks at the one in his hand, and frowns. "Well, it was a few moments ago. Either way, take it."

Ever the helpful guy, Eren offers Connie the knife.

Blade first, pointed straight at his heart.

Connie tears out of there.

Good riddance to titans, they have a monster in the kitchen.

* * *

><p>Sasha appears only half a minute later, only mildly worried about the catatonic Connie and the Jean that is still sobbing in the stables, patting horses and cooing at them.<p>

She needs food, now.

"Yahoo!" She shouts as she skids into the kitchen. "Got any food-"

She doesn't stop skidding, and it's not hard to realise why.

The red soaks into her dress.

"Whoa, wait, what happened-"

"Sasha!" Eren greets, smiling at her as he hacks another head off a bird.

The decapitated head flies past her, splats into the wall wetly, and slides down.

There's a whole pile of them near that area.

She blinks.

"Oh, I see!" She regains her footing, grabbing a bench-top to keep her stable. Her hand comes away red and white. "Got any food?"

"That'd be the other kitchen, I'm only in charge of the meat here."

She nods. "Not hard to tell."

Eren hums happily.

"I'll just disappear over to where the precious food is!" She takes a leap out of the kitchen, jumping over a pile of intestines and lungs, and heads off to get food.

She's hungry, dammit.

* * *

><p>Armin sighs as he marks down more notes on a notebook.<p>

Mikasa swings past him in a blur of brown and white and red, and a deer falls to her blades.

"Wonder if that's enough?"

The girl shakes her head silently.

"Eren would want more."

* * *

><p>Levi stops about three hallways away from the meat kitchen.<p>

There's a stench, firstly.

Secondly, there're red boot-prints in the size of only a number of people, including one food-obsessed new recruit, that are printed through the hallway in front of him.

Thirdly, there's a bald kid lying lifelessly on the floor, surrounded by potatoes.

Fourthly, there's singing echoing through the hallways, and a rhythmic _thunk, thunk, thunk._

The beat pauses, and resumes at a higher pitch, the singing shifting to a happier tune, if that shit can get any happier. _Thud, thud, thud._

The soldier takes a moment, not to breathe because the air smells like death, but to stare out the window.

There had been a feast arranged for tonight.

The recruit in charge of dinnerware had set it up at an acceptable competency, but was currently hugging and kissing horses in the stables.

The one dealing with vegetables was surrounded in them, not preparing them.

One girl had _tracked blood _through the hallways.

A blondie and a red-scarf girl were swinging through the forests a while away. There was a line of terrified soldiers weeping as they dragged animal carcasses to the headquarters.

_Cut the belly, get out the innards, squishy, squishy, take out the bone, and off with the head! _continues rebounding off the walls, never wavering, a sweet, upbeat melody.

Fuck.

Fuckity fuck.

Fucking fuck fuck.

Levi wonders who's doing the laundry, who's cleaning the hallways, and who's getting all this shit together before Erwin's back.

He turns on his heel, checks his gear, and goes for a swing through the big-ass trees.

Fuck it all.

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><p>Hanji observes through the window of the kitchen, scribbling madly.<p>

She mumbles under her breath.

"Tendency for flesh,"

"Dislikes thicker bones,"

"Highly methodical,"

"Stuffs eyeballs in stomach,"

"Throws brains at walls,"

"Likes twirling in blood,"

She's running out of paper.

* * *

><p>Erwin comes back to a truly delicious feast.<p>

He thinks the meat is the highlight, and says so.

Jaeger beams, and damn, that smile is bright.

Next to him, Ackerman and Arlert share happy looks.

Levi sips his tea.

Braus continues shovelling her food at an incredible speed. If only that sort of speed happened on the battlefield too.

Springer turns as white as a sheet, and promptly falls backwards, landing securely head-first on the ground.

Kirchstein covers his mouth as he looks at the red meat, running for the bathroom.

Levi sips his tea.

Hanji, almost panting in excitement, is scribbling in her book, having barely touched her food.

Levi sips his tea.

A number of soldiers face-plant into their food; careful to make sure to aim for the non-meat dishes.

The rest collapse onto each other.

Levi sips his tea.

Erwin raises an eyebrow. (Yeah, one of _those_).

He turns to Humanity's Strongest, wondering at exactly what happened during his one-day absence.

"Levi?"

From the corner of his eyes, Jaeger cuts up his meat, pushes it to one side, and continues cutting up more meat.

Levi sips his tea.


End file.
